Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize