I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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