I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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