I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
