Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize