Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
