her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
