We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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