whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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