My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
