my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
