I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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