It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
