I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
