if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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