my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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