I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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