Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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