god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
