I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
