I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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