sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
