Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
