I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
