Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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