There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
