Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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