I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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