I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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