I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
zippers are such a cool invention
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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