So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
