Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
