He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
