I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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