I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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