dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
