end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
