If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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