dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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