What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
