True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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