He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
