Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
