when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
