You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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