I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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