at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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