I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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