I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
