I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
