He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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