ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
