I got chris browned last night
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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