The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize