my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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