Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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