its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
