I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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