He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
