My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
