Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a search helicopter?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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