well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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