No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
