She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
