I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
