Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize