My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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