I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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