Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
